My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.