My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.