I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
lmfao come on
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Heroic Misunderstanding
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago