The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*