The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer