8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
“Sheer Arrogance”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Skills
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.