I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.