I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Breaking news:
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like