I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
synchronized noseblowing
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”