do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.