do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”