Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Buying a new phone isn鈥檛 even satisfying anymore. It鈥檚 literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Normally I鈥檓 a curmudgeon who doesn鈥檛 think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
My belly don鈥檛 jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there鈥檚 an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald鈥檚 and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My wife calls me a busy beaver 鈥榗ause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it鈥檚 him.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that鈥檚 our neighbor鈥檚 new Smart Car
Pigeon open mic night.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Trains are just sideway elevators.