Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
No one :
Me when I swimming :
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.