Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
three things we don’t talk about
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me