‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”