You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
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[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
prepare for carbonated trouble
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop