I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
But is it really??
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse