The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
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My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
I had to Stop for this
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*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of