The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: