Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.