wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.