Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”