ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
You Might Also Like
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Yup!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.