ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard