I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
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Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.