You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”