Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The honesty is refreshing
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Inside you there are two wolves
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok