@English_Channel

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

You Might Also Like

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

@MarfSalvador

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

@Bizarro_Mark

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

@protolalia

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

@BadRadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

@kimtopher22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

@mejustbeth

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

@Mardigroan

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.