me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
#oldknees
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth