me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up


[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]



Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.


I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.


Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.


You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.


Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.


Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!


There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.