Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Stop it! 😂
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”