If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Brands during Pride
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no