My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.