My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”