At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time