“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.