I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
next question.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.