Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids