9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet