CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
You Might Also Like
I would like even faster food.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.