“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
“felt cute might delete later lolz”