If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol