I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.