I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
best review i’ve ever seen
Perfection.
This why you should mind your business
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]