me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
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You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.