Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Terribly Tuesday.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*