Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.