Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
dream blunt rotation
Effort made
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me