Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Art by Pastelkatto
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I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.