This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
You Might Also Like
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’