Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.