Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor