INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Try and stop me.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
when there are deer in the woods
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Hero horse inspires millions