Try and stop me.
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*