Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
You Might Also Like
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
This sounds bad:
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.