People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
quarantine day 3
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡