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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*