Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
This could be us… but you playing
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.