This could be us… but you playing
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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…