Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right