me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
You Might Also Like
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
This meal prepping shit is easy
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.